Flash backs ... November 3, 2009

Originally posted on Kidspot November 3, 2009

I have been sitting here watching Last Chance Surgery and little William having his open heart surgery done.........

It killed me :(

My heart is in my mouth and I cant believe how raw I feel........:0/

Seeing that little boy after his surgery on all those machines and knowing what those parents are feeling.......its scary!!!

Im sure like us they will have a healthy little boy afterwards....but it just brings it ALL flooding back to me.

Even after 5yrs I can still remember EVERY little second, every smell in that hospital and every tear I shed.

I remember wandering around the shops in melbourne numb trying to fill in time while Logan underwent his 8hr surgery.  Getting that phone call to say the surgery was over but they needed more time to stabilise him and permission to put him on dialysis because his kidneys were struggling after surgery.

Being told his little lungs had collapsed and then seeing him..........OMFG, all those tubes and machines and NURSES!!!

He was also on bypass like William and had a VERY similar surgery to him if anyone watched it tonight?............

Sometimes I feel like if I dont get it out I will burst...........but I have NEVER really sat and talked about it with anyone, I cant even chat to Logan about it without the tears welling...........

One day I guess I will feel at peace with it, and stop blaming myself, even though I do know there is nothing I did or didnt do.......

I am thankful we now have a happy, boistrous 5.5yr old.....even if he does drive me batty!!!