I have had my "mum mask" on so tight for the past week I am too scared to let it go and shed the emotion that is churning inside. I jump in the shower of a morning and cry, I crawl into bed each night and sob into the pillow. But as far as the kids and hubby see I am all AOK!
Well so I thought.....
People are surprising me more and more each day at the moment, and hubby surprised me the most tonight when he put his arms around me and told me it was OK to cry.
Of course I know it is and I have EVERY reason to grieve, I just hate putting that grief onto my boys who are coping the best they can. Even at the funeral I felt I couldn't get upset, because as soon as I did both the boys cried with me, so I had to "mum up" and comfort them. It just all felt too hard, so I fought the emotions and pushed it all back down for a later date.
I have been carrying so much anger around thinking that he didn't see how much I was struggling. I was soooo wrong!
I am glad someone else knew exactly what I needed, and I know these waves of sadness will come and go for quite some time. I am truly thankful I have such great love and support and have no idea where I would be without it.
It hurts more than I ever imagined it would, and some days I am going to need someone else to take the reins for me and let me know it's OK to let go. Thankfully I am in good hands!